To fear or not to live?-Part II

...mmm ok, this lunch lasted a bit longer.. more than 1 week. I needed to think about it. Things started changing so rapidly, that I'm not quite sure whether I can keep up the pace. To continue my previous problematic, I realized suddenly that fear occupied a great part of my way of thinking, of my behavior, of my desires, of my dreams, of my relations with other people, especially friends, family and romance. I started suspecting the length of this "occupation" last week. (Actually, the initial suspicion about fear's involvement into my life dates back to many many years). This realization infuriated me, against myself of course. How could I possible be so blind about life, in this one and so precious lifetime given to me, and sacrifice valuable time, energy, ideas to the temple of fear?
I started thinking about the way I usually acted in the past, when I was facing possible decision-making with unknown developments ahead, by being so doubtful and so skeptical, that in the end I was remaining numb and silent by the idea of a "potential" negative result. I was not doing anything, by the fear of doing the wrong thing. Now that I think about it, it sounds so silly as if the idea of not taking the decision to breathe, by the fear of breathing the "wrong" air. Thus, suffocating may easily become one's reality.
And then, I was so mad against me, when, as you all know by mow, last week I saw a new different shade of sun light shining in the sky, that I couldn't stop asking myself why I was not able to see all that before.
After the first shock, I bizarrely felt profoundly relaxed, peaceful and satisfied, though no material reason was there for that feeling. At that very moment, I knew, deep inside me, that in life everything is possible, and all of my dreams really can become true if, and only if I start working on them. Joy is the feeling that derives from this realization.
Then, I looked around me. I was not the only enslaved by fear. There was all my life, all the people I knew, all the people I was passing by, all the people I haven't yet met. They are almost (there are those enlightened exceptions that will lead us eventually to the different human state) all isolated by fearful attitudes and ways of thinking.
Now I begin to better comprehend other people's reactions, words, or feelings. I can better tell that fear is behind strange or unpleasant, or joyless behavior. And that's comforting for me. It gives me hope. The kind of hope that dictates that the person will eventually see this different shade of daylight, like I did last week.
And then I remembered what William Shakespeare quoted in his Julius Caesar: "Cowards die many times before their death" (or something like that). Now I see...

To fear or not to live?

A thought is bothering me, and I'll be back soon to work more on it (after lunch;-))
Are we certain that fear is not the major parameter that ponders on our decisions about life, about love, about creative activities (as an antidote to "job" & "work")?
Yesterday, I would definitely and passionately deny it.
Today, though, living experiences made me so skeptical about it. As if I've discovered that till now I was wearing colored eye-glasses. And as if now, something (like a small rock) has broken them and I start to suspect that true life has a completely different shading of colors...

Bon appetit...

the "love" factor: choice beyond bonds and guilts

The other day, a friend of mine told me how she described to her parents the way she was dealing with their relation. She merely told them that she loved them both dearly, but she didn't like hanging out with them. She was acknowledging the fact that they were her parents and that wouldn't change, but she was feeling that they had nothing in common as far as choices in personal life, art, food, politics, dreaming, goals-setup were concerned.
She put a lot of effort to describe to me the awe and the astounding silence that dashed into that living-room, the moment she spelled the words! After all these years of "civilized" discussions and not-so civilized ones; after all the times she tried to explain to them that she could not lead her life the way they wanted; after all these years she was accusing herself of feeling profoundly ashamed of them; now she finally said the very few but decisive and sincere words.

I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for sharing with me this precious episode of her life. These few magical words liberated me from my own family-bonds confinement. This magic spell gave me the possibility to observe the dimension in my life that was always there, but my eyes -full of remorses, well educated guilts and social ''musts''- were untrained to see.

It can be so true, you know, to love one's parents profoundly for they've given one's gift of life. But that does not mean one has to mimic one's parents choices, points of view, lives. If that were the case, imagine what would happen (and it had happened plenty of times in the human past). It means no boldness to new adventures and new life pathways. No boldness equals no creation that is needed order to bring progress and evolution to humanity. No creation equals no pleasure, no joy, no laughter, no reasons for true life.

Now, in my early thirties, I know I love both of my parents, but they are so different from me. I cannot be (or worse, become) what they wish me to; or better become that lost and unrealized ambition they keep on their minds, which they project on me. I knew ever since the beginning of my life that I was different from them. I guess most children do. I cannot blame them for not sharing this opinion with me.
Right now I'm happy to admit that my priority is to consciously give my unconditioned love to the person that is always around me, following me so devotedly, with a lot of support and precious consulting. Myself.

I cannot help it, if they are angry with me. It's their choice, and I fully respect it. But the most important this "magic spell" offered to my life was that I'm not afraid any more of the "oneness" effect, because, even this one is a mere illusion. We are never alone or abandoned. It 's always up to our personal choice the way we feel.

expectations - the trial and error procedure of personal hurt and learning

what happens when we realize that people we love are emotionally unavailable?
when, suddenly, we manage to see that our life's photo had a sepia-style, nice, nostalgic, ideal and old look, and then one day (one day at last, after a long long period of internal and silent personal changing) we finally see the actual colors, the shades of truth and we decide we don't like it anymore?
This new reality is hard, I know you know. It's as if an invisible hand comes and smashes your heart so hard, that you feel you cannot breath anymore. As if you start walking on a very slow motion, while the rest of the world speeds up so fast, that you are left behind. As if you become just a mere observer of your life, of your story, of your past.

But that's not all u have.

That's not at all all u've got.

Deep inside you already know the truth. You knew it for a while (since your birth). You were destined to live, and to create. That makes you a creature. A perfect, wonderful, human creature. And a creator. But have you ever seen a creator enslaved in situations, in ''musts", in rigid social frames (family is also a social frame) that don't let him proceed to his creative work?
No, by all means, no. A creator is by definition free. Otherwise he cannot fulfill his role of creativity. And expectations are by definition the ropes that tie us so tightly with those social frames that enslave our souls. If I expect things from others (family, friends, partners, colleagues, society) it is as if I'm trying to control and manipulate their behavioral outcome, that is their creativity. And if I give all my energy to this expectation procedure, I actually spend all my precious energy not to create the fabulous works I can give as a unique individual, here on this planet, but to observe other people's lives passing by in front of my eyes. And from creator, I become a spectator. I don't like that.
So I take back my smashed heart, I cure it patiently and passionately, and turn around my expectations so as to point towards me. And then I remind my self how much I love my self, how unique and wonderful a human self is (by definition, by birth, by nature) and I get inspired and start creating.

The pain that the deceitful expectations provide won't go away so easily, so perfectly, so rapidly. it'll take time, mostly because, I'll need to stop producing any new expectations for the others. Actually, the way I see it, expectations are ways to through away our responsibilities to others and then be ready to accuse when they don't fulfill the task we assigned without even asking them. And that's giving away our one personal energy.
Such a waste...

A new year has arrived. I don't know why, by my "expectation" for this new year makes me feel relieved, hopeful, well, free and especially happy. Because this new year, I expect myself to expect things only from myself and enjoy it!!!